Up until college I was surrounded by some of the most ambitious people I have ever met. By the age of 13, my friends and I were already competing to get into advanced programs and yes, even college. I actually once almost had a fall-out with a friend because I didn't want her to take the same entrance exam that I wanted to take for an early entrance program. Yes, I (we) were that crazy. By the eighth grade, my friends and I were breaking the rules, taking more high school classes than middle school grade classes. We were competing at local, county, and state science fairs.
High school was a lot of the same. I went to a pretty "elite" high school, where you entered only upon application during one's eighth grade year. We began with about 160 students, of cohorts of 30+ students. No one else entered our class. You either made it to graduation or you were kindly asked to leave within the three years preceding it. While a nurturing environment, everyone there was competing for a top at the nation's top universities.
By college, I finally had a chance to mellow out. I think the level of competitiveness I developed by the age of 18 was verging on... well... mental distress. I had my share of good friends, but by no means was I an easy person to work with. (If you think I'm intense now, just think I WAS back then.) College was the time to try and find a balance between succeeding and not destroying other people-- yes it was that sick of a binary at one point.
In my attempt to find that balance, I fear I may have lost my competitive edge entirely. I care about doing my best most of the time, but I don't care about being the best. It seems meaningless to even try anymore. I generally find people who are much better than me (usually standing next to me...) and I am quick to spot out the points where I could have done better. I actually take that back, I think that I don't even care about doing my best anymore. I've come to a point of complacency, where I've figured out that my "okay" is pretty good in comparison, so I can keep getting away with being "okay."
I'm like that lazy underachiever with so much potential, that would do so well, if only... she would try.
Except, I'm like this after having BEEN the kid with so much potential and overachievement.
I'm definitely a little backwards...
A part of me thinks it might be the fact that I'm not surrounded by the same kind of people anymore. While my friends back then used to speak of grandiose projects and ambitions, my friends now are much more reserved about their dreams. My friends are incredibly talented and I am certain they will be leading their fields, if they aren't already. It's just that... well, now, we don't talk about it. I guess it doesn't make for polite conversation. But the silence on future aspirations has made me a bit... complacent I guess. Not hearing much from my friends has led me to not think much about my own plans.
So friends.
Inspire me.
Tell me what you want to do.
I don't want to go back to those days of intense, cut-throat competition (I certainly don't desire that), but I do want to be inspired to reach for more than what appears to be in front of me.
I want to have conversations about how you (even better we!) are going to change the world and leave (y)our mark.
Because we're fully capable of doing that, aren't we?
//
On a completely different note, my hamster Belly is either brilliant or suicidal. She is on this mission to escape her cage. Now, the only way to escape her cage is to go up, so she's been trying to climb on top of her wheel to get towards the top.
I say that she's either brilliant or suicidal, because she is brilliant in her ability to get on top of the wheel; she's suicidal because if she DOES figure a way out, she's probably gonna die...
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