How far do I have to go to get to you? Many the miles

I haven't even kept track of the number of days/weeks we haven't spoken. Despite all those tears, I guess it was a lot easier to move on from that relationship that I thought it would be. I dreaded that conversation, writing to my friends about it, asking for advice of what I thought would be impending doom.

And then, it happened.
At night, as it always does.

I was trying to be reasonable, to not be angry with him for keeping me waiting for several weeks while he sorted out his thoughts. The anger didn't pass until I admitted my frustration, and then poof... gone... and we were talking again.

The conversation proceeded far more easily than expected. It was easier once I gave into the inevitability of it all. Of course we wouldn't stay friends. Feelings were too strong-- feelings of love and hate, of comfort, of trust and distrust. They were all there and a friendship can't function with so many conflicting emotions.

I made him promise me that we would see each other again at some point in the future. My first-love-silliness makes me believe that we will find each other again and love each other in a way that we never could before. But then again, it could be as simple as keeping in touch. It's what I do. I'm a pack rat-- I keep everything, including ex-boyfriends. It would be exciting to see how far he's come along in the world in five years time. I'm certain he will be doing amazing things, making me envious of his travels and worldly experiences.

And though I don't miss him, I want to talk to him. I need clarification about what went wrong. Did I really make so many mistakes as to cause the terrible breakdown of our relationship? I am doomed to repeat them? Was I that selfish and careless about his feelings, or was he just using me as a scapegoat for his own role in our demise? And, without knowing this, how do I know that I won't do the same thing all over again with someone new?

I don't need reassurances from the new. I need reassurances from the old. The new doesn't know what I am capable of, and I don't know what he's capable of. But the old? We've been through it before. We can't study anything but history, so I'm trying to study my history, but I can't. I have half the pages in the textbook... he has the other half. I'm getting stuck, mid-sentence.

I need someone to tell me I didn't fuck up that badly.
I need someone to tell me that I won't fuck up that badly this time around either.