That frequency inside my head that says / I'm going at it the hard way

We spent an hour talking about the difference between being good and being virtuous.

We agreed that being virtuous had more to do with conforming to societal standards than falling on either side of good or evil. Virtuousness is what we assume to be good-- eloquent, kind, sympathetic. But, all the virtue in the world won't combat the evil in it. Eloquence won't stop people from killing each other and sympathy won't uncover the roots of inequity. They are qualities we want to see, that we assume are reflections of one's motives and purpose. Virtue requires an audience, to watch and to comment on the virtuous character.

Goodness, on the other hand, can be none of those things. Goodness can be clumsy, inarticulate, and seemingly cold. Goodness is driven by the desire to remove evil. A good person doesn't need an audience and is often times better suited to act without one. It is by nature dirty and violent. It is emphatic and painful, because being good often means being able to feel evil. It necessitates making that hard decision, being completely honest to the point of vulnerability, and taking responsibility for every action. It means being aware that a decision will hurt someone you love and still being able to do it and not turning your back on the pain you've caused, all because it had to be done.

He and I struggle with this constantly. Both of us had led pretty virtuous lives. We are, by our own nature, people-pleasers, and thus, easily fall into the trap of adhering to social mores. In recognition of this, we have been struggling to find ourselves and act as we are, rather than as we should be.

He spent the last year learning to be alone, because his fatal flaw is that he hasn't been. He's always had a companion, a cheerleader, a lover... we couldn't get along because he couldn't relate to my life, a life that had spent much of its time in solitary confinement while he was sleeping with a different girl every other day and building relationships now and again. I wanted him to find his own strength, a particular type of strength that would enable him to stand up against me, his Achille's heel.

"I learned to be happy without you."

My year has been spent doing the opposite. My fatal flaw is my blind dedication to independence and self-sufficiency. I could never share my life with him, because sharing it equated to losing it. It was a year of learning to be more open, to be more honest, to not hide myself behind clever words and a lot of hand gestures. It was a year of trying to learn how to love somebody and be happy with somebody who wasn't him.

All these growing pains, just so one day we can say to each other I love you. I choose you. All of this, to be able to know that with all of the potential configurations of people, relationships, and love, we still only want each other. This way, our relationship isn't by default, but by conscious choice; we don't see each other because we don't know how to be with anyone else, but because we know that we are the only ones we want to be with.

Whether a year is long enough to be apart is the golden question-- particularly if it's a year where half of it is spent talking everyday (twice, actually). I believe his growth, and mine, is still purely theoretical-- we've never been apart where the risk of really losing each other was real and tangible. We have to continue with the possibility without ever seeing each other again, because to do otherwise, to do as we have been doing, is cheating. It's a risk that makes my heart stop, because I have the potential of losing one of the most important things in my life.

So, we give each other another six months of being alone and being with others. Six months before we say a word to each other, because speaking to each other is dangerously euphoric and we fall back into old habits and unravel into each other. Six months, because he will leave and he has to say good-bye before he does.

We've both said it out loud now. We can't be in each other's lives until we are ready to only be with each other. Any other way and we endanger our goodness.

In case you didn't know, I'm famous:










Source: http://www.halfvalue.com/wiki.jsp?topic=Famous_Korean_people

Famous Korean People >> Politicians >> Tina Park: External Vice President

I get to confuse lazy scholars for years to come!

Thermo-dynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing.

And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter...

... until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged.

To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood.

The thermo-dynamic miracle.

But... if me, my birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anyone in the world!

Yes. Anybody in the world... But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget.

We gaze continually at the wrold and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away.



- Watchmen (Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons)

You know theres no need to hide away / You know I tell the truth / We are just the same / I can feel everything you do

I'm squinting to see the screen, blind without my contacts. How terrible my eyes have become. It's getting harder and harder to see the things that are in front of me.

How metaphoric of life.


But, I set that thought aside. It is not the time to be waxing poetic... Updates are to be given, seeing that I cheated in my last post and only provided updates on my baking life and not my waking one.


Life continues to shift and unfold, while I sit, grow fatter, and contemplate my next move. The friends are back (finally), leaving me to enjoy their presence, their wisdom, and their laughter for a few weeks before we are separated by land and sea once again. Our dinners together feed my belly, while our conversations feed my heart and soul. I don't think I could ask for better friends, for who else can I talk about all unspeakables with at the dinner table? We jump from love life, to political life, passing ideas past each other as we try to re-examine and resolve not only our personal lives, but the world around us. Morning cups of coffee are had with discussions of politics and morality, while pancakes are shared between twitters of girlish giggles about the men we adore (or don't).



The weekend was a necessary break. My shoulders are heavy with contemplative thoughts, trying to figure out if what I am doing is right or wrong. I hate the idea of hurting others, despite my tendency to be accidentally cruel. I struggle to be honest and tactful at the same time... to be patient and not presumptuous.

But, I speak in abstractions and nonsense. I'll leave these thoughts, too, for another time.

Do You Know the Muffin Man / the Muffin Man ...

Last Sunday I had a brilliant idea: What if I baked a different cupcake everyday for a week?

Thus, the ERA Cupcake Challenge was born. The idea is simple enough, bake a different type of cupcake every night to bring to work every day. The cupcakes should be striking and unique, taking advantage of some of the delicious fresh produce we have in Southern California (and, of course, the summer season).

Having reached the last day, I've realized that I might have a slight compulsive disorder (because really, who bakes EVERY night for 3+ hours?) and I probably should talk to someone about it. Regardless, I have met my challenge and produced five different cupcakes (plus four different brownies) for this week. My neighborhood Ralph's is now like a second home and my hands are a little stiff from beating the batter with a fork.

So, what did I bake?
Below are the cupcakes for each day with the recipes. Enjoy!
***
MONDAY: Late Summer Peach, Blueberry, and Thyme Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting
From Chockylit at (http://cupcakeblog.com):

For the Roasted Peach Mush:
2 medium peaches

1. Cut the peach in half, remove the pit, and roast cut side down in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes.
2. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool.
3. Scoop out peach flesh and mush with the back of a fork.

Peach, Blueberry, Thyme Cupcakes
12 regular cupcakes / 350 degree oven
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
1-1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup roasted peach mush
1/4 cup blueberries
2 teaspoons loosely packed, fresh thyme leaves

1. In an electric mixer, beat butter on high until soft, about 30 seconds.
2. Add sugar. Beat on medium-high until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.
3. Add egg beat until combined.
4. Whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl. Add to the mixer along with the milk and beat to combine.
5. Chop thyme leaves.
6. Fold the peach mush, blueberries, and thyme into the batter.
7. Scoop into cupcake papers about two-thirds full.
8. Bake for 22-25 minutes until a cake tester comes out clean.

Note: Leave cupcakes undisturbed for the first 15 minutes of baking (always) and then rotate the pan once to ensure even baking.

Thick Cream Cheese Frosting

4 ounces Philly cream cheese
1/4 stick butter, room temperature
2 cups sifted powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla

1. Beat butter vigorously with an electric mixer.
2. Scrape the bowl and add the cream cheese and beat until combined.
3. Add the sifted powdered sugar and vanilla and beat until smooth.

Assemble
1. Top cooled cupcakes with frosting.
[Optional] Sprinkle with thyme leaves.

TUESDAY: Carrot Cupcake Deliciousness
From The Cupcakery at (http://the-cupcakery-blog.blogspot.com)

Carrot Cupcake Deliciousness
Makes 24 cupcakes
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3 eggs
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
2 cups finely grated carrots (about 3 to 4 medium carrots)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 can (8 ounces) well drained crushed pineapple
1 cup shredded coconut
1 cup chopped pecans, divided
1 cup raisins (or golden raisins)

1. Preheat oven at 350° degrees F. Line 12-cup muffin tin with muffin papers and set aside.
2. In a mixing bowl, combine dry ingredients; stir to blend.
3. Add eggs, oil, shredded carrots, and vanilla; beat until well blended.
4. Stir in pineapple, coconut, and 1/2 cup of the pecans and raisins.
5. Spoon into cupcake liners with small ice cream scooper. Bake 18 - 20 minutes until the tops are golden brown or until a wooden toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
6. VERY IMPOPRTANT to cool completely before frosting.

Pineapple Cream Cheese Frosting
1 brick (8 oz.) cream cheese, softened
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup pineapple juice

1. Combine cream cheese, butter, salt and vanilla in a large bowl and beat with an electric mixer.
2. Alternate powdered sugar and pineapple juice and beat mixture for 5 minutes until fluffy.
3. Add Wilton gel food coloring "Peach" until pastel color is achieved. Pipe onto completely cooled cupcakes and sprinkle toasted coconut on top.

WEDNESDAY: Lemon Drop Cupcake with Strawberries
From Coconut & Lime at http://coconutlime.blogspot.com
Ingredients:
juice of 1 lemon
zest of 1 lemon
1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup buttermilk
7 tablespoons butter, at room temperature
2 eggs, at room temperature
12 small to medium sized strawberries

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour or line 12 wells in a cupcake pan. In a large bowl, cream the butter, zest and sugar. Add the lemon juice and the eggs. Beat to combine. The mixture may look a little curdled but that is okay. Mix in the buttermilk. Continue to mix and slowly add in the flour. Beat the batter an additional 2 minutes, until light and fluffy. Pour an even amount into each cupcake well, filling about 3/4 of the way. Place a whole strawberry, point side down in the middle of each cupcake. Bake 15-20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted on the outside of the strawberry comes out clean. Cool in pan briefly, then remove from the pan and cool completely on a wire rack. Ice*.

Icing suggestion: make a basic buttercream and substitute lemon juice for any liquid and add some lemon zest. I actually made a cream cheese icing: 8 0z cream cheese, confectioners' sugar and some lemon zest.





THURSDAY: Rich Chocolate Cupcakes filled with Chocolate-Mint Ganache topped with Mint Buttercream
From Chockylit at http://cupcakeblog.com

Chocolate Cupcakes
24 regular cupcakes / 350 degree oven

200 gram bar of Valrhona 61% cocao
3 sticks butter
2-1/4 cups sugar
8 eggs
1-1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup cocoa powder, unsweetened
1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
pinch of salt

1. chop chocolate and transfer into the bowl of a standing mixer.
2. add butter to the chocolate and place the bowl over a pan of simmering water. stir until chocolate melts and butter is combined.
3. remove from heat and stir in sugar. let mixture cool for 10 minutes.
4. beat in an electric mixer for 3 minutes.
5. add one egg at a time, mixing for 30 seconds between each
6. sift the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, and a pinch of salt into the mixture and mix until blended.
7. scoop into cupcake cups and bake at 350 F for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Chocolate-Mint Ganache
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup + 1 teaspoon chopped mint leaves
1 tablespoon butter, room temperature

1. chop chocolate and transfer into a heat proof bowl.
2. heat cream and 1/4 cup mint until bubbles form around the edge of the pan, pour cream through strainer, over the chocolate.
3. let sit for 1 minute then stir until combined.
4. add butter and the remaining teaspoon of chopped mint and stir until combined.
5. let cool then transfer to the refrigerator to thicken, 30 minutes to 1 hour.

Mint Buttercream Frosting
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
4-5 cups powdered sugar, sifted
1/4 cup milk
1/8 teaspoon all natural peppermint extract
1. beat butter until creamy, scrape bowl.
2. add 4 cups of sifted powdered sugar, milk, and peppermint extract, beat until combined.
3. add more powdered sugar as needed to get piping consistency.

Note: I tried to keep the mint flavor subtle and not too overpowering. I recommend starting on the light side with 1/8 teaspoon or less and tasting to get the flavor you want.

Assemble
1. stuff the cupcakes with ganache using the cone method (cut out a cone shape from the top, cut off the pointy cone part, stuff the whole with filling, then put the top back on)
2. frost them.
3. top with something green (if you want), like a mint leaf, green candy, or whatever you fancy.

FRIDAY: Peanut Butter Filled Cupcake with Chocolate Ganache
From Chockylit at http://cupcakeblog.com

Chocolate Cupcakes
24 regular cupcakes / 350 degree oven
5.4 ounces dark chocolate or 3/4 of a 200 gram bar of Valrhona 61% cocao
22 tablespoons butter
1-3/4 cups plus 2 tablespoons sugar
6 eggs
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons flour
4-1/2 tablespoons cocoa powder, unsweetened
1-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
pinch of salt

1. Melt chocolate and butter over a water bath.
2. Add sugar and stir, let mixture cool for 10 minutes.
3. Beat in an electric mixer for 3 minutes.
4. Add one egg at a time, mixing for 30 seconds between each
5. Sift the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, and a pinch of salt into the mixture and mix until blended.
6. Scoop into cupcake cups and bake at 350 F for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Peanut Butter Filling
4 ounces or 1/2 package of Philly cream cheese
1 cup creamy peanut butter
2 cups sifted powdered sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons milk (*I added 3.5 tablespoons)

1. Beat cream cheese and peanut butter until combined.
2. Add powdered sugar and vanilla and beat until combined.
3. Add the milk and beat until combined.

Chocolate Ganache
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate
5 ounces semisweet chocolate
1 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon butter, room temperature
2 cups powdered sugar

1. Chop chocolates and transfer into a heat proof bowl.
2. Heat cream until bubbles form around the edge of the pan, pour cream over the chocolate.
3. Let sit for 1 minute then stir until combined.
4. Add butter and vanilla and stir until combined.
5. Transfer to the bowl of an electric mixture and let cool for 10 minutes.
6. Sift powdered sugar into the mixture and beat until combined.
7. Continue to beat with an electric mixer until lighter in color and creamy.

I spent a lot of my childhood trying to find different ways to disappear. My strongest memory is playing in my mom's closet, seated on the wood floor underneath her dresses and my dad's suits, with the sliding door open just enough to let a sliver of light in. I was guaranteed a good couple of hours without any interruption. When I outgrew the closet, I made a little fort in the corner of my room (better light) with a couple of thin blankets, and entertained myself with my books.

Even today, I have a strange attraction to small spaces. I used to study the best in small office spaces-- I could lock myself in a cubicle and write for hours before I realized I should walk around a bit. In high school, I used to sit in the back of my math class, underneath the table, until class was over (I was really bored...). I love unwinding in my car... I can't even count the number of times I've just slept in my car whenever I was stressed out.

At this point, I'm looking for my next little closet.
My brain feels muddled and slow. I'm in a constant state of exhaustion and boredom, leading me to sleep most of my daylight hours away (when I'm not at work, of course).
I get like this when I feel out of balance. I love my friends in LA, but I miss my girlfriends. I miss our summer nights, getting dressed up, and hitting the bars. I miss their support, their love, their light! I love my job, but I love indulging in art and in spontaneity. I miss late-night drives and new LA discoveries. I miss going out with my camera and not feeling like a fraud or self-conscious. I miss design and pretty things.

Life is becoming rhythmic and while I am thankful for the knowledge that I am secure in my life and future, I am also fearful of the complacency this can bring.


I need a wake-up call.

Stolen from another blog.

Sue: Well, you've lived in Los Angeles, so that
part of city living must be familiar.
I: Oh no, the cities are so different -- my
friend has the best metaphor -- she says, If the
gods were giving birthday presents, they could
wrap up New York or San Francisco and trade
them like jewels, but Los Angeles has no edges
so you can never pick it up.